I had a pizza yesterday for lunch. Not like a 2 slices, I had an entire small pizza from papa johns (original crust) minus one slice, which my sister ate. And after that one meal where I completely and totally gave up on everything I was trying to do I just stopped. I stopped thinking healthy and thought satisfying... yet again! I have a coke to my right and I keep thinking "I need to go pour that out and at this very moment stop drinking them all together." And there it still sits. Waiting for me to take yet another sip and work myself into a bigger size.
I don't know what my deal is. I even went clothes shopping last night and meant for it to only take a second, it took much longer! I was displeased with everything I tried on, I looked horrible, and all this ugly, pessimistic thoughts devoured my conscience! I went ahead and purchased some items cause I have a date with my hubby tomorrow night and wanted to look special since it's our first DATE in quite some time! But I felt completely discouraged. Then I went to dinner with my parents and some friends (my family is pretty close) afterwards and ate half a chicken marsala meal (my hubby eats the other half, we always split when we go out to eat) and I'm just going backwards! I didn't work out any day BUT monday! I have every intention of working out every day I was suppose to this week... and I don't do it. I always get home around 8:00 pm to around 8:30 pm and I'm tired and we try to go to bed round 9:00 to 9:30 because of my weight and the caffeine I take in every day mornings are difficult for me! So I have to have my 8 hours of sleep every night! And so I get home late and make the excuse that I don't have the time, or I'm too tired. And last night I had a migrane. Which I actually did, but I should've just worked out. If there's an excuse man I jump on it!! I'm trying to convince myself that there's not one and that the moment I get home I'll take out the dogs, fix my dinner (or get it started) start my hair dyeing process then while it's changing colors I'll work out. But I'm not thinking I'm going to go through with it.
I wish I had someone to keep me accountable! So I have called Jenny Craig and I've looked into getting their food system. I've been on Weight Watchers, well before. I still haven't gone to a meeting since the other girl left that I liked (like early December late November) and I've gained back the weight that I HAD lost on there. Anyways I have this funny idea that Jenny Craig will help me learn how to eat. I'll let you (my ghost fans) know how it ends up working out for me.
So like I said, two days down... but what is that in the whole scheme of things?! During my try's of loosing weight throughout the years I've always just kind of thought well I don't want to give up this chocolate thing or that fried thing, but I really have to change the way I eat for the rest of my life or it will NEVER stick, the weight loss I mean. That seems so impossible!
In my ignorant stage of life (which is basically from birth till who knows) I get what I want. In watching my parents and other people live, I observed that people always want stuff and for some reason (which I never understood) never gave into their desires. It blew my mind. How could you not take what you want? What's the point in living a life of things you DON'T want? I couldn't make sense of it and at that point I decided I deserved and was privileged to what ever I wanted (and could afford). And in that mind set I became very high maintenance which was revealed to me as I was planning the wedding and could ONLY have things my way. And no I wasn't a bridezilla! I was quite nice and did everything myself so there was really no one to yell at. But anyways, high maintenance. I've known that I'm picky with food. I wont eat anything I don't want or re-heated, or certain pre-frozen foods, or certain vegetables, and well what's left? Bad food that tastes REALLY good. So for the past 4 or so years I've been eating only what I want nothing that I have to eat, or have to do even.
(Now you can be witness to one of my revelations) I just realized that I don't even do things I don't want to do. I don't work rather quickly or with purpose, I don't get up in the morning and get ready. The most I do in the mornings is take a shower, take out the dogs, get dressed and brush my teeth. That's about it. I don't work out, because... well I don't want to. What a revelation, I think I'll ponder on it a bit. But I've stayed away from sweets and I've tried to plan for better eating and I've been trying to come up ideas to help me complete my task of loosing over 100 lbs this time. One that I came up with was to have more sides with smaller portions. So you have the illusion and possibly the reality of eating more with less points (weight watchers) and feel fuller... hopefully. My husband and I plan to get some things at walmart this weekend to make this more possible even while I'm at work so that I stay on track at all times. So I'll let you know mid next week if it's working to help keep me satisfied.
Cause isn't the one thing that ruins our dieting attempt the feeling of always being unsatisfied?! Well it's my reason anyways. So I'll let you know but for now I need to start doing things I don't want to do. Such as get my happy butt to work. Bye for now!
Today my husband and I got in the Wii and Wii Active, and I started working out on the 30 day challenge... but I didn't finish. I got close... I think. But I got so aggravated cause well I set the stinkin' level to medium instead of EASY, which I obviously needed to be on. I got frustrated because I was trying to do a work out and the sensor wasn't connecting and wasn't saying I was doing anything.
Now I didn't just give up at one go... I was suppose to be running but it was telling me that I was going too slow... I was freaking running! But it kept telling me "Too Slow", that was aggravating! Then we were doing some biceps curls that it wasn't registering! So that just added to it, then the final straw, and I said forget it.
What I didn't do when I stopped was get some delicious ice cream, or any other sweet things we have around the house (and SERIOUSLY need to get rid of!). I really want to loose weight this time.
I've tried to loose weight dozens of times and never really accomplished it, then I guess I wouldn't call it "trying". So now I'm at it again. With Wii Active, a Bowflex I haven't used more than 3 consecutive weeks in over two years since we've had it, and weight watchers, which I really need to start attending the meetings.
But see I'm a master at coming up with reasons NOT to do something, or if I really want to do something I magically become a master at coming up with reasons TO do something. So in my first 4th attempt at Weight Watchers (the most recent go) I decided to stop going because the lady that was there the other 3 times was moving away and I now had no one that I knew at a meeting... which is such a sad reason, but the reason non-the-less. And I was continueing with the online tracking and then a reason came up for me to stop doing that as well and now well I weigh roughly 70 lbs more than I did when I a senior in high school... maybe more. Not a pretty site and not one I want to keep in my early 20's. I've always been over weight, but I've never been THIS overweight and I DON'T want to stay this way. This time HAS to be different, or I might ruin my life continuing down this way.
