Today in our grocery shopping my husband and I purchased more fresh fruits and vegetables, replaced my normal 20 pack of coke with coke zero (not as bad as I thought it would be) and even bought me some things to make and bring to lunch for my Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. Mondays I don't take a lunch because I have to leave work at 1:30 for school, and Tuesdays and Thursdays I have classes all day and I've gotten tired paying four dollars for a sandwich with one slice of meat, one piece of lettuce, and two slices of tomato, and maybe one or two slices of cheese, I've decided to make my own healthy sandwiches with a little more meat for substance and pay WAY less. Also tomorrow I'm meeting up with my friend Heather to go swimming at the school after classes. This will be quite interesting cause I really haven't gone swimming in quite some time. I doubt I've honestly lost the skill to, but it really has been like a year or two since I've done some serious laps of any kind, though I LOVE to swim! I use to go to the one in the subdivision I live in but it's always so crowded with kids and rude people I just stopped. And I have this thing about fish and snakes, and turtles I can't really get myself to swim in the lake unless it's after falling off a tube or knee board, and then it's only possible in the summers and when my parents want to drag out the boat. See those excuses I get going... they pop up everywhere! But I don't have one for not doing what I've set down in place for tomorrow, and I like knowing that I can't get out of it. Basically I'm relying on someone else, but because I am I'm not making up any excuses. Even when they start to pop up in my head, like "I don't have a one piece so it'll be weird doing laps in", or "what are people going to think when I show up in my swim suit, are they going to judge me" (and that one could be an excuse any and everyday if I'm doing something by myself) I just stop about mid sentence in my head because I know that someone else is relying on me to keep to my word. It's all mental, I know, but so far it's really working!

So tonight for dinner I went to my parents and they had some friends over. It was kind of last minute thing. Richard and I were planning to have grilled chicken with green beans and rice-a-roni for the sides, then we get a call from my sister inviting us (it's always last minute) and ended up taking the chicken over there and having this bean kind of soup as a side instead. Then there were some brownies which I was ignoring the fact that they were even there until someone said they were low-fat and decided to try one (and yes I stuck to only one) and it was delicious! Then I learned that when making a cake you can substitute the oil for apple sauce and it makes it low fat, and even keeps it more moist!! I never knew that. Then we all got on the conversation about substitutions and Irene said she has a whole stinkin list that she said she'd try and get to me. So it's turned out to be a really good night!

Now I've decided... again... that I'm going to start weight watchers this Wednesday. I've told my husband, and he's going to stick me to it. So my major excuse to blow this off is it's the only day other than Friday that Richard and I are able to talk during our lunch hour, but we both agree it's not reasonable enough, and doesn't really trump loosing weight so I'm having to give up another hour of talking to him for going to a stinkin meeting. Anyways no more ranting and raving about the day, I guess I should go spend what time I have left with my loving and devoted husband! Once I get the list I'll post it up for my dedicated reader(s).

So I wake up roughly around 9, take out the dogs to go potty, and exactly 47 min later Noel starts freaking out and barking at the door. This is normal lately cause she gets used to Richard coming in and she starts to expect someone to come through the door. For example she started barking at the door roughly three times last night and NO ONE was there! So it's normal. And I just decided to look up cause she seemed adamant that someone was at the door, so I turn and there's a shadow in the door, it opens and it's my SWEET HUSBAND! He decided to take the day off and spend it with me! How awesome!

So needless to say my morning has started quite satisfactory!! Nothing to report as far as weight loss, or working out but I had to share my happiness for the day!!!

My family is really something. When I think I'm gonna give up, and then my sweet husband keeps me sticking to it, and THEN my family decides they want to try and get together for the 10k that's happening on March 27th for breast cancer awareness (I think) and make shirts and really support each other. I'm really, really stoked! I've done the Relay for Life before, but always walked and did it with my church group so there were tons of us and haven't done anything on my own since then. My sister and I were going to try and run it, but we haven't started to train our bodies with running (and lets face it's I'm more than two months away from being trained to run a 10k) so I'm going to do the walk 2 miles instead of run the 10k. And most of my family on that side, including my sweet husband are involved in it as well. We're gonna have T-shirts made (how corny but I LOVE it!). My family is sometimes very distant and when I try and pull us all together for something it mostly falls through so I'm really happy to have them all excited to do this together. I'll take lots and LOTS of pictures and post them. This is my first time to do anything like this, one day I'll be running it! I guaran-freakin-ty it!

Now for my reader(s) the 10k is in Tyler and I believe you can either walk the 2 miles or run the 10k, but if you're interested the link is:
http://tylerazalea10k.com/

and to sign up for it the link is:
https://www.signmeup.com/site/reg/register.aspx?fid=YG2V4K7

It's for a good cause and gives you a reason to work out. Thanks for reading! And the support!

Needless to say, things have not been going my way. I've been struggling with changing my habits, and well I keep suckin it up! And just as I was ready to just kind of mentally just give up and quite, but publicly blabber about the struggles and not really try, Richard insists that we keep going forward. He said that no matter what, next weekend we're working out. Well that's now this coming weekend, and even though him being sick might hinder him from being able to work out with me (he's sadly coming down with the same crud I've had for a little over a week and a half), he said he's still gonna make me work out. How sweet of him! I need that push when I start to get down and out and that's when I end up giving up cause it seems impossible. NOT ANY MORE! He's actually stepping up this time to tell me "No, I refuse to let you give up." How sweet! I'm gonna hate him Sunday when he actually makes me, but I love him right now, and I'll even love him when I pick back up on a work out routine the following week. And I have a new friend who's working out and doing the blog thing as well so I'm thinking that local support and someone with the same struggles I'm having will also help immensely!

This is going to be hard, and is going to suck for a while. Giving up all the tasty things, in abundance, for the rest of my life... Oh the pain! And eventually... Oh the benefits! I'm suppose to be doing school work right now, so no more blogging, back to school work!

I'm mostly blah, I basically don't feel motivated. I don't know if it's all the feeling bad and all the medicine I've been ingesting, but I just don't feel as passionately about loosing this weight as I did, I don't know, a couple of weeks ago when I started. It just seems way too easy to continue the way I was and not change. It's just simpler to give in and give up rather than stick with this complete overhaul of my lifestyle (which is completely wrong let me tell you!). Oh if only there was a store I could go into and buy all the motivation I needed! But NOOO, motivation for me is quite hard to find and very easy to misplace to something else that I really want to do... that's easier than changing my ways.

Any encouraging words?

Haven't been feeling so well, went to the doctor and they prescribed me Steroids... I will NEVER take those suckers again! The first night I took it I woke up 30 min after going to bed, then an hour after that, then again at 3 am. And at 3 I couldn't go back to sleep! So I got up, turned on all the lights, and you know that's when it really means time to get up, and died my hair. Well I could've done homework but completely didn't feel in the right state of mind, and while doing that watched Julie and Julia, not a bad movie, but not the best either. Then I got ready for work, actually made me some breakfast, and then went to work SUPER early. With these steroids, which I only took three of, and my brain has gone completely loco! I keep saying things I normally wouldn't, or going way outside my comfort zone. It's almost freeing, and yet unsettling! I don't seem to have control or that voice that tells you, you shouldn't do something so instead I do it, or say it. Like in class the other day I literally asked a kid, "Are you social?" completely implying he's anti-social, and though it started up a conversation and we chatted for a bit, I was embarrassed of how rude I sounded, though I don't and didn't feel the need or the urge to apologize. It's like the steroids are shutting up my shutting up side. Like it's allowing me to be more open and accessible to things that I regularly wouldn't be. Maybe a better way to explain the way I feel is that I feel less self conscience. I'm less aware of the absurd things I might be doing/saying, or maybe less aware of the way they may seem absurd. Anyways, I basically keep saying things that I think normally would steer people away from me, and well, I just don't seem to care.

Also right now, my weight loss is backwards. Well I'm not sure that I've gained weight, but supposably steroids make that happen! So this week if it does, I'm so blaming it on the DOCTORS!

On another note, completely unrelated to weight loss and "Losin it big" I'm doing well in my classes and surprisingly staying up to date with all the hoopla related to them, such as reading and homework. I've also been more motivated and driven these last two weeks. I just feel different about this semester. Now I need to take this same dedication, multiply it by two and put that same dedication towards weight loss... again. I want to say that my backwards slide is due to the sickness that has taken over, literally, my whole family, but I would be lying if I said it was ONLY because of it. I'm lazy, mostly, which is why I'm here and since I have a reason, I use it... Oh how I dislike knowing the faults of myself.

Anyways, another topic my hubby comes home today!! I'm really excited! One day, when I finally get a camcorder I'll record my darling dog and how excited she gets when you say "Is that daddy?" So adorable! She starts barking and stares at the door... you'd have to see it! Also when she's chewing on her bone, and playing with her toys sometimes she'll keep her butt up in the air... I'll show it! It's the cutest thing! Anyways, I'm gonna let my novel here take a break and spend the next hour or so waiting for my adorable husband!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM!!!

Sickness had taken over since Thursday of last week, and I've been bed ridden for most of the time, only getting out for things I have to do like classes and today work, but no working out. My main trouble has been a lot of sore throat and mucus congestion, but has been so bad that I had a fever a couple of nights, etc. But I went to the doctor yesterday and they gave me steroids which have already reeked havoc on my system and I was up and atom at 3:00 am this morning unable to go back to sleep, so I touched up my roots with hair dye, watched Julie & Julia finally (not near as great as I was expecting) and got ready, ate breakfast, took out the dogs and left for work 15-20 min earlier than I normally do and had time to stop and get gas, and run in for some carmex that has been a life saver for the raw nose from the boxes of kleenex I've been wiping out, and for cleaning out my nose some, less blockage for sure! Anyways so it's 9:21 am and I've done more today than I have in the past couple of days.

So on my weight loss, I'm not doing so great, I weighed myself Monday, when I finally got out of bed and I weighed the same as last monday, I think it was like .3 more or something like that. I don't really remember. I have been keeping to the fiber bars, which I still stand by at this point. They've really helped. But last night I didn't do good! When I went to the pharmacy which was closet to the doctors office I went to (which just happens to be in the grocery store, next to the freakin frozen food section) I bought some bad (but oh so tasty) chocolate pie pieces. I shared it with my sister last night but I still ate it, shamelessly, which in my eyes is a negative thing.

Now as far as school goes I'm very excited and motivated! A complete difference from last semester and psychology classes. I've been studying on a regular basis, reading before class the material we're going to go over, and finishing everything before it's due. And it's week two. I normally give this up in week 1. And my teachers are a lot more motivating in and of themselves. I just really think this is just it for me, I've found the right field for me to be it!

Today or Tomorrow I plan to kick my fresh foods back into major gear! I just haven't really been eating (sick and all) and when I do, fresh food just seem too complicated! And when I'm sick I tend to crave bad food a little more, but I have completely strayed from my goals! I am very motivated to complete my task of the weight loss, I'm just having a tough first month at it, but 11 more to go! Even if I lost 10 lbs per month I'd loose well what I'm hoping to get rid of. Maybe that should be my shorter goal. 10 lbs per month. Then this time next year I would've lost 110 lbs. That sounds excellent and is broken down so that I have a smaller goal each month to conquer! I think I will go to weight watchers today. And today at lunch I will go.

Also as for the Jenny Craig, they never called me back. It might be my loss, it might be their loss, either way right now I'm not too worried about it. I have to save up to take my husband to Vegas to see the Blue Mann Group for is B-day in November and I really don't make that much, so no big deal. Just thought I'd let you know how that thing was coming since I mention being interested in it.

I hope you all are having a wonderful week and are continuing to stick to your plans even when you have set backs! NEVER GIVE UP!!! That's the only true kind of failure! Best of luck and God Bless!

All week long, including Monday through today, I've been eating these fiber bars and I haven't HAD to eat. Okay to break it down a little more I have a small sort of breakfast (one morning I had a bagel with cheese and turkey, another morning I had some Total Brand cereal, another I had the Carnation Instant Start breakfast {it has twice the protein of egg and doesn't taste that bad either}) then when I'm in my first class around 9:30 to 10:00 or about the same time when I'm at work I eat one of the fiber bars then I kind of eat a fruit or yogurt about an hour later, then on tuesday and thursday I didn't feel the need or anything to eat lunch, but tuesday I had some cheese and crackers I purchased from the store next to one of my classes. Then around 2 or 3 I have another fiber bar and I'm satisfied all the way to dinner. I kid you NOT! I didn't even feel the need to eat dinner. I'm not going into starving myself! I love food too much, but this is kind of like nicorette gum for smokers. It helps you to ignore the urge to just eat or to eat that bad fried food, or chips, or just all the stuff sitting around that gets to you as you start to get hungry. I've been able to completely avoid my hunger and have had MUCH more control over what I eat and at what time I eat. I don't ever feel hungry and when it's time to eat, say noon or 5:00 I go ahead and grab me something and in these past 5 days I haven't felt hungry at all. I'm completely shocked. I've been eating when it's necessary instead of when I just simply had to. We'll see how this affects my body going into next week, but right now I feel in control over my eating.

I feel like I'm able to say "NO" to fast food just because it's convenient, or "NO" to the cookie ice cream sandwhich that was offered to me roughly 20 min ago. I don't even have to ponder about it. I feel like I can conquer this, like it's actually achievable! Damn it I'm going to loose these 70 to 140 lbs by next new years. This goal can be accomplished and the food is NOT going to win!! Anyways, thought I'd lend a helping hand so you can conquer your own battle against food!

I was thinking today, driving around on the errands for work and had a revelation of sorts. My major issue with weight is just not knowing how to eat. Right now that's what I can't seem to figure out. I know fresh foods are better than preserved foods, but I don't have the time to make every food fresh so some preserved foods are necessary. But which ones are better than others, and are you suppose to eat 3 meals and one small snack between lunch and dinner, or`are you suppose to snack all day? And non of us who weren't taught how to eat correctly now want to learn how, and all you get are people's opinions or second hand information that has most likely been altered and what you're willing pay for through diet plans which there are tons with different information, and books. Why can't there just be a right way to eat. Or the information readily accessible for everyone?

This of course got me thinking how education and knowledge have to be paid for. It makes sense mostly, cause the teachers and writers need to be paid, but I just wonder why can't some of it be free? But then I guess that would put me penny less in a job. Any ways food for thought... about food.

Yesterday morning I posted on Facebook my weight loss plans and journey. I was pleasantly surprised by how many people I don't regularly talk to that were supporting me and giving me encouragement! Very surprising if you ask me! Also yesterday my eating habits were completely different. I started school on Monday so finding the time to cook and eat fresh foods is going to be very, very difficult, and now I'm into the upper level classes, which adds more study time, but yesterday I had a yogurt, two fiber bars, a turkey and cheese bagel (I brought from home), some cheese and crackers (not many cause I knew they were bad for me) during my lunch time break, and two servings of fruit when I got home. I then had two servings of vegetables during dinner and a tostino's pizza. I remember those being reasonable points wise when I was previously on weight watchers. And I almost woke up at 6, but in the life style change I'm trying to make almost is nothing. However this morning I did much better. I woke up at 6:15, had me a cup of coffee and a quick and not very tasty breakfast of the Total brand cereal cinnamon toast crunch. It did indeed taste like cardboard but I ate it anyways. I've also been thinking about the chicken we have at the house and how I really shouldn't be eating one whole piece, I need to only eat half of it. This whole eating right this is very difficult to me! I'm not use to it at all! But I'm trying, and I will succeed. This time I have the will power, and dag gome it! I'm going to succeed!

I started watching The Biggest Loser last night and I'm hoping that watching it will give me more encouragement to get my lazy butt up and work out. Yesterday when I got home I didn't work out, but I did set aside time, from 4:30pm to 7:00pm all I was going to do was study, and I did. I ALMOST got on here to blog, but said to myself "NO, this is my time to study." And I got part of my work done that I was suppose to! I've also never done this either. To the observer it might not seem like I'm changing my life that much, or that I'm finally doing things that I should've been doing, and you're right, but the fact that I couldn't do them and now I am means something to me. I am changing, slowly but surely, I'm accomplishing my goals piece by piece. I'm hoping that by the new year (2011) I will have lost 70 to 140 lbs, to get up at 5:00am almost every morning, and to accomplish the daily tasks that I have to, including working out, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs, cooking dinner, eating healhty, etc. Things that I have been severely slacking on. I have a family now and I need to take part in that, I'm making myself the person I want to be! And I'm so exhausted right now that I wish I could sleep but I have to work, and I'm going to do an excellent job at it even if I have to down an entire coffee pot to make it happen! I really am changing and I really am excited about it!

All of these photos have been taken in the last year. I plan on posting more photos throughout my journey to my goal weight, but here's me now.

I have set a date and time to go back to weight watchers. This Wednesday Jan. 13th during my lunch. I have all the food necessary to make it happen, I believe I have the attitude, or at least a bit closer to the right attitude, and the means in which to work out withOUT a reasonable excuse. I keep looking at myself and those AWFUL pictures that we all have and hide so we never have to see the truth about our weight (that I've now been strategically placing around the house and work to keep me on track). I really do feel like this time is different. I'm now 22 years old, heading towards my bachelors with a subject that I ABSOLUTELY love, and I'm finding time to do what I love to do (scrapbooking). Right now I just feel like it's all attainable. This morning I weighed myself and I weighed 163.4. I hope that some where in a year or more I'll be around 123.4 which is the healthy weight for my height. I am considered morbidly obese. Words I never thought I'd say or admit, but there it is. I need to loose 140 lbs to be healthy. I can do it, and I'm willing to do it.

I did notice that the one thing in my mind that has really (and finally) sunk in is that I'm not on a diet, I'm trying to eat healthy. I think about fresh foods, and how I have to cook every night, or close to it and that I ALWAYS need fresh vegetables and fruits with every meal. I've really had an overhaul on my thinking process and I'm surprised. I think it was all thanks to My Pink Stampers, Pink Loser blog. I just saw how she could do it, and how happy she seems now and I decided that it was something I truly wanted and will have to work on in order to get it. I know it's going to be hard and tedious, and I might hate the food I'm eating but I know I'll feel better and wake up more refreshed and overall be happier in life. I hope that during this time period my story will inspire you to do something about your life and change whatever it is that is holding you back. I wish YOU all the best of luck!

I hate... HATE vegetables and different kinds of fruits. If it's not strawberries or grapes, sometimes apples I wont really eat other fruits, but today at the store my husband and I purchased all kinds of fresh fruits and vegetables! I'm now, officially making it apart of my diet, every day, every meal! My mornings I also purchased some things to make an occasional bagel, a total brand cereal. My mind set is different! I normally HATE anything and everything healthy and that's literally all we purchased! We didn't get any chips, or fried frozen foods, matter of fact the only frozen things we got are the steam fresh vegetables and meals with tons of vegetables in them. I've never shopped like this. I've never tried to see if other fruits (such as pears, peaches, mangos) are something that I'd like or try to change my tastes towards so that I don't have as many limitations when I'm going out to eat or cooking at the house. I've even been thinking about getting shrimp (fresh) to cook at the house. I know sounds simple, but the only kind of seafood I'll eat are fried shrimp and fried calamari... and they have to be fried. But I'm growing towards grilled shrimp!

I had a pizza yesterday for lunch. Not like a 2 slices, I had an entire small pizza from papa johns (original crust) minus one slice, which my sister ate. And after that one meal where I completely and totally gave up on everything I was trying to do I just stopped. I stopped thinking healthy and thought satisfying... yet again! I have a coke to my right and I keep thinking "I need to go pour that out and at this very moment stop drinking them all together." And there it still sits. Waiting for me to take yet another sip and work myself into a bigger size.

So like I said, two days down... but what is that in the whole scheme of things?! During my try's of loosing weight throughout the years I've always just kind of thought well I don't want to give up this chocolate thing or that fried thing, but I really have to change the way I eat for the rest of my life or it will NEVER stick, the weight loss I mean. That seems so impossible!

Today my husband and I got in the Wii and Wii Active, and I started working out on the 30 day challenge... but I didn't finish. I got close... I think. But I got so aggravated cause well I set the stinkin' level to medium instead of EASY, which I obviously needed to be on. I got frustrated because I was trying to do a work out and the sensor wasn't connecting and wasn't saying I was doing anything.